I Find Myself

Yesterday, I found it very difficult to want to celebrate July 4th with the state of our country, The United States of America. I found that all the celebration had been slowly let out of me like a birthday party balloon. For some time now I have been along with my parents Lewis and Eudora been researching our ancestors. We have found all kinds of wonderful things on this genealogical journey. We have also found some things that cause me to take pause because of the knot that is in my stomach when I realize all that my ancestor went through, contributed to, had stripped away and forced upon them. I found myself thnking about the sacrifices of my ancestors as they were forced to come to this foreign land, torn from their families (many times), made to learn a new language, stripped of their culture, religion and their very roots. I find myself recalling the stories of my great-grandparents, grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles about the struggle to be seen as full humans in a place that all were said to be created equal.

I find myself angry about their treatment and the fact that there has been a regeression of pure respect and stripping of peoples dignity in this country. I find myself on the edge of wanting to scream at those who claim they see no color for that color is a vital part of who I am. I find myself on the edge of wanting to shake those who in one breath will fight tooth and nail for a white mermaid but won’t say a word for those who who are dying at our borders. I find myself wanting to cry out for those children in the photo above. It looks like the United Nations, dosen’t it. Well, it is not it is an older photo of my daughter and most of my nieces and nephews. I find myself looking at this photo of children all related. All with different colors of skin and hair and wondering what in the hell is wrong with a country that would deny basic human rights to the children of God and still proclaim to be religious, spiritual, Christian or whatever we may call ourselves. I find myself wanting to gather my people and protect them from the hurt, harm and danger of the crazy, mixed up, broken and sinful world we live in. I find myself wanting to march, and preach and speak to those who have ears and more so to those who dont. I find myself wanting to run like my ancestors did toward a freedom that was promised but has so greatly been denined and continues to be denied.

I find myself also thanking my God for my ancestors that made it over the Middle Passage, who made it during the Domestic Slave Trade, made it through Jim Crow, Segregation and the Civil Rights movement. I find myself thanking my God for those babies in that picture who are part of a generation of those who are rising up and speaking up to make a change. I find myself thanking God for sending me to places where I can speak truth to power while empowering His children to go and make this world a better place. I find myself thanking God for the strength and power of those who are on the frontlines of a movement to stand in the gap for those whose voices have been stolen, ripped away, pushed down and silenced. I find myself thanking God for my very being. I find myself in a place of graditude.

Maybe that was the point. I found myself. A self that cannot be made less by those who claim to be in power. A self that is a gift from God and only God. A self that will no longer sit on the sideline and let those who would hurt and harm have the last say. A self that embraces all that she is as a perfectly flawed vessel of God’s Grace, Mercy and Love. A self who for the sake of the babies in that picture and the generations yet to come will continue to seek to bring justice and peace to a world that would have them think that its not possible. I find myself with a hope that is beyond this world and is held in the mighty, powerful, compassionate and gentle hands of a God who will have the last and final say.